I try to stay focused on the positive, and this space helps me be mindful of the abundance in my life. But I have to be authentic as well, and so I wanted to share a little about the melancholy and depression I periodically suffer with.
I have had several episodes in my life when I suffered with depression. Strangely, the most challenging times in my life – death, divorce – have been the times when I was able to draw on my inner strengths. The depression seems to come when I least expect it, or least have a “reason” to feel down. This makes it even more difficult to manage since I end up with feelings of guilt, as in “why should I be feeling so down, I have so much to be happy and grateful for in my life.” Of course, beating myself up helps nothing.
The first time I experienced this ‘melancholy’ was a few months before I started my first menses at the age of 14. I had no understanding and definitely no label for what I was feeling, I only knew I didn’t feel “right”. I would have described it at the time as a feeling of numbness.
I have tried to explain my melancholy on things outside myself – stress, issues in my personal life, etc. but there never seems to be a reasonable explanation for my periods of melancholy.
And honestly, most of the time I feel the answer lies not outside myself but within. We each choose how we feel and how we respond to the events in our lives. We can choose sadness, anger, resentment, etc. or we can choose happiness, gratitude and joy. But sometimes I think there is yet more to it than “choosing” how to feel.
I was struggling last winter, and didn’t realize how bad I was feeling until taking an assessment with my physician. Depression is a relative state, not something that can easily be measured, but there are assessments to help one determine how serious their depression is. It wasn’t until we went through the series of questions that I realized how much my depression was affecting my everyday life, nor had I acknowledged that I was “depressed”. Clearly I was. My physician and I discussed treatment options and I reluctantly agreed to an antidepressant.
I do not like taking medications. I don’t trust our pharmaceutical companies nor our Food and Drug Administration for that matter, but I was desperate. Antidepressants are powerful and potentially dangerous prescriptions, so although I had filled my prescription upon leaving the doctor’s office (the pharmacy is in the same building, as we have Kaiser for our health provider), it was a full two weeks before I took the first pill.
After several weeks of dealing with dizziness as a side-effect, I started to feel like myself again. That is, I felt like participating in life. It no longer took a Herculean effort to drag myself through the day and I found myself wanting to do the activities I normally enjoy again (there are a lot of things I want to do with my life and my limited ‘free’ time, believe me!). Life went on, and I had a full spectrum of emotions, just like normal.
But then I started to struggle again this winter. And there are other issues as well, seemingly unrelated. For years I have had problems with neck stiffness and pain, ‘knots’ in my upper back. Normally these would come and go, and I have experienced relief with chiropractic treatments. But the last several years these pains have become chronic and more severe, to the point where I am unable to get comfortable to sleep at night and have headaches daily.
In addition, I have suffered from insomnia, sometimes severe. And so I have been dragging myself through my days again, headaches, neck and back pains, foggy headed, with memory problems and difficulty concentrating.
All the while, I have been working full-time hours and trying to manage my homeschooling lifestyle for my three children. My expectations of myself include the following: lessons planned and prepared for the children; house cleaning weekly including vacuuming all three floors; bathrooms scrubbed weekly; laundry for five washed, folded and put away; most of our meals made from scratch; weekly grocery shopping; homeschool co-op, gymnastic classes for the girls; homeschool 4-H group activities; and quality time for my husband and his family get-togethers…
You get the picture. I am tired of being in pain and feeling exhausted, angry, resentful, overwhelmed, anxious, inadequate, frustrated…and goodness knows what else. As I write this, I am thinking of what I would say to someone else who was sharing this experience with me. I would probably suggest lowering their expectations, prioritizing the essentials and letting other things go. Sounds reasonable enough.
I have had good results for my neck and back pain with acupuncture treatments. The problem is, I have never been consistent with my treatment plans since my acupuncturist was almost an hour away. So I asked her for a suggestion of someone local. We have many acupuncturists in the area. She and her partner both highly recommended Tuan Nguyen, a third generation acupuncturist.
He provides a nine-page assessment form to be filled out before the first appointment. The first appointment takes about 2 hours including a full assessment and first treatment. I have never spent this much time with a physician!
After he reviewed my concerns, my health history, and completed a physical assessment, he sat down to talk to me about his initial diagnosis. For someone who just met me, he was able to give an amazingly clear description of what I was experiencing:
“You have days where you feel good and energetic and you actively try to catch up, but then the next day your energy is gone and you feel awful.”
Exactly!
Now Traditional Chinese Medicine, like most complementary care, does not simply treat the symptoms, it attempts to treat the root of the problem. It also treats the body holistically – I am not merely experiencing a variety of problems or symptoms, they are most likely all related. Although Mr. Nguyen does not know my history, he was on the right track in determining the cause of my current situation.
“You have had some major stresses, either recently or in the past. Not just major stresses, but many of them, coming at the same time or very close together. We all have a reserve system, much like a savings account, that our body draws upon in times of stress – whether from illness or major life events. Sometimes, when we have too much stress in our lives, we overdraw from our savings account and then our bodies are unable to recharge. Like a battery that has been depleted, but never having the chance to fully recharge again. Your stores are depleted.”
I did not tell him that I had experience multiple major life stresses all within a very short time. I lost my father to cancer; a few months after his funeral my daughter was born by emergency c-section (placental abruption); a year later my mother passed away suddenly; following my mother’s death my marriage of 8 years ended; I found myself a single mom working two jobs; I changed jobs twice and moved seven times in three years; and I had another child who had feeding difficulties and required syringe feedings the first few months of her life. There has been no time to recharge.
I once thought I was a strong person, able to handle whatever life challenges me with. But lately I have felt as though any little stress, anything extra in my days, causes me distress and anxiety. While normally enjoying being challenged with my work and feeling like I was growing as a person from my challenges, the past few years I have felt a need to avoid challenges.
When Mr. Nguyen articulated what he thought I was experiencing physically and emotionally, I felt a sense of relief. I am not weak, I am not a failure. I am just human.
I have had three treatments so far, and my headaches are gone. My anxiety is still present, but at a much lower level. He has instructed me on six acupressure points on each side of my body and has encouraged me to give myself three acupressure treatments daily between the scheduled treatments he provides.
He has told me I will get better, but it will take time. He cannot ‘cure’ me, but we can help the body heal itself. I am told I will start having more good days, and he believes I will eventually be able to go off antidepressant medication.
In the meantime, I am continuing to do everything I can to take care of myself – with good nutrition, exercise, meditation, and yoga. I am not perfect in any of these areas, but I am doing the best I can.
Mentally, I need to let go.
I need to take the advice I so often give to others – “be kind to yourself.”
In the words of Charlie Chaplin:
We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.
And we need to remember to extend that kindness and gentleness to ourselves as well.
Michelle
Have any of you experienced healing insights? I would love to hear about them!
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